Here are a few situations that many families often deal with. These questions have been a large reason that I took the role as Parent Coach. I saw that the problems that parents were having could be fixed if they acquired the know-how. Hopefully, these answers will help parents dealing with these particular issues and aid them in fixing the issues at hand. the first step is knowing that putting family first is the first step to turning all family matters around for the better.

What advice do you offer for getting everyone together for family outings?

Family outings are very important. This is a great way to bond and get to know one another. It is usually very difficult to get everyone together at the same time due to conflicting schedules. However, if everyone is committed and it is planned in advance the family outing should be no problem. I would suggest having family dinners. It may seem mundane but so much can happen or be learned in that short space of time – even if you cannot commit to sitting down together every night.
Choose at least one night per week and make it mandatory for everyone to be present. If you do not commit to doing it, it will never get done. You can also have a family night. With today’s economy being the way it is, this does not have to be expensive. You do not even have to leave your house. Get creative! You can stay home and play games, watch a TV show or movie. The idea is to develop a pattern of spending time together and opening the lines of communication. If you are watching a show, don’t just watch the show – talk about it. This time (“Family Time”) should be interactive.

What advice do you offer for families that have trouble expressing their emotions to one another?

When I was growing up, my family never expressed their feelings for one another. Yes, we knew we all loved each other. I saw the ramifications of this behavior as I got older and began to socialize and date. I had a very difficult time hugging friends or telling them that I loved them. This became a major issue when I started dating. I was emotionally challenged. I would look at the way my friends expressed themselves and slowly I would begin trying it. It felt very weird and awkward in the beginning but after a while, it felt good. I was comfortable. However, my family still had their issues. So I started to hug them when I saw them. I kissed them on the cheek when I was leaving. I told them I loved them before I hung up the phone. I could feel the uneasiness amongst them. But I didn’t care. I was determined to break the cycle. After a while, they began to hug me back. In time, they would be the ones giving me a kiss on the cheek or telling me that they loved me. It was a long process but it works. You have to have patience and willing to put in the work.

When people are not showing their emotions, it is either learned behavior or a defensive mechanism they have founded due to some incident that has occurred in their past. Either way they have to be willing to let the wall down and open up. When an entire family is involved, it is best to seek professional help family, relationship or parent coach. This is a problem that has to be dealt with both individually and as a family unit.

I can’t get my husband to use the “L” word (love) to anyone in the family.

They say, “Actions speak louder than words”. This is what most men will try to tell you when you ask them about the “L” word. It is very difficult for most men to be verbally affectionate. This is learned behavior. Men are taught as children that boys/men do not show sensitive emotions. They should be aggressive; that constitutes manliness. Therefore, their fathers did not use the “L” word with them either. Now grown into adulthood, they do not feel comfortable with the word “Love”. Many do not fully understand it from a man perspective how to give it, much less to say it.

Love is also a commitment. Most men struggle with commitment even if it’s with the people they care for the most. This will make them apprehensive about saying the words. They are more inclined to show their feelings rather than verbalize them. Saying the words make the feelings true and that can be scary and overwhelming. Or, maybe they were hurt in the past by someone they admittedly loved and now they are afraid to be as open and honest with their feelings. It can very well be a protective mechanism. So be patient with him.

Make sure you and your children say the words to him and let him hear you saying it to them. Eventually, as a part of learned behavior, he will say it too. It may not be as frequent but it will come. As long as the physical and emotional feeling of love is present then you know his heart. The words at that part become a formality. The words are important but not as important as the feeling itself.

What is the best way for a family to reconnect after the loss of a loved one?

Losing a loved one can take a toll on the most connected or united family. Death is something that you cannot predict how it will be handled. Each circumstance is different. For example, the family who has been watching their mother slowly die from cancer may handle the loss better than the family who just found out that their son/brother was pronounced dead after a hit and run accident. The family with the ailing mother has had time to process the inevitable fate of their dying mom. In the other scenario, the family will probably be in shock since this situation was totally unexpected. Either way, both families will need to be comforted. Empathy is very important at this time. Everyone is going to be full of emotions – some good and some bad. So the concept of understanding will also come in handy.

Everyone grieves differently and handles loss differently. What may make you feel better may not work for the next person. The individualized relationships that were held with the deceased will play a significant part in the coping process. It is important to be open and honest about how this loss is making you feeling. Many people try to be strong for someone else, but you must take care of yourself first. Then you can take care of other family members by spending more time together. It may even help to talk and remember things about the deceased. Doing these things as a family and not by you is the best way to reconnecting after a loss.

When entering into any type of relationship, you are responsible for knowing how to deal with personal issues, such as self confidence, self expression and even money matters. There are many people out there who find that their relationships and marriages fall apart due to the fact that they did not or could not handle personal issues of their own. Which later on caused problems for them as a couple and family unit.

Here are a few questions that I find people tend to want to know when dealing with their own personal issues before they get into a relationship or marriage.

What advice would you give to women for building self-confidence?

Women, if you want to boost your self-confidence you have to be willing to change and face your fears.  Those are two crucial components to boosting your self-confidence.  You can test the theory by trying to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily do.  Regardless of the results your mission would be a success.  If it works, great!  You will feel the results of taking a chance and feeling the success.  If it doesn’t work, you have still won.  You would feel the results of stepping outside your comfort zone.  That experience alone will let you know that you can do it again.

What advice would you give to men on communication and self-expression?

Effective communication is very important in every aspect of your life.  Write out your feelings on paper if it will help you to organize your thoughts better.  Make sure you are clear on how you’re feeling so there is no room for miscommunication.  However, make sure in your expression that your tone is not too passive or aggressive.  Both tones can be misinterpreted and that is not your goal.  Your goal is to be clear, concise and informative.

How would you advise men and women to deal with issues on handling their personal finances before entering into marriage?

A financial planner is always best.  An alternative to a planner would be creating your own budget.  List your NET income and all your expenses.  From there you will have a visual of what your current finances look like.  Then from your expenses, determine your needs and your wants.  Your needs should be first on list.  Then put your wants in order of importance.  If you need to scale back on your spending you will have a good idea where to begin.  Seeing things on paper always makes it more real and clear.

Here are a few questions that parents have asked and I find to be a large part of what some misunderstood children deal with in their lives. These simple solutions may be what it will take to get started on regaining control over your child and also working with your child on him or her finding reasons for their negative behaviors.

My child is abusive at home and away from home

If your child is exhibiting signs of abusive behavior, then you must change your approach.  Your child is obviously very angry and does not know how to cope with it.  The objective at this point is to determine the root of the anger.  More than likely it will not be as clear cut as what appears on the surface.  Try to speak to your child about this when both you and they are calm.  You are more likely to get an honest answer from them if they don’t feel as if they will be reprimanded by their responses.  Assure them that you are trying to help them and that you don’t want them to go through life feeling such hurt and holding such animosity.   Explain to them some of the consequences that will occur if they continue down this path.  Remember, YOU must stay calm and focused because your child will be watching your every move and listening for mood changes in your voice.  The first detection that you are upset they will either stop talking and/or become angry and defensive as well.  Be sure to actively listen to what your child is saying.  Do not get defensive or make the conversation about your needs and wants.  Remember the objective is to get to the root of their issues, keeping in mind that their issue might be you.  Be prepared for whatever you may hear.  And be prepared to come up with solutions that will be equally satisfying for both you and your child.

Note - If you cannot get your child’s behavior under control quickly, I advise you to seek professional help from either: Parent Coach, Counselor, Social Worker or Psychologist.

My child refuses to listen and follow the rules of the household

When parents begin to give their children rules many times they will disobey to see if they will get away with it.   You have to teach them the value of respecting your rules and authority from the time they can understand your words.  The minute you allow them to get away with not doing what you asked of them, you begin to lose your power and respect as an authority figure.  Children are very smart and at the earliest of ages they learn how to manipulate to get what they want.  Many parents think this behavior is cute or because they are little.  They believe it will change as they get older.  Well they are right!  It will change; it will get worse!  If you find yourself in that situation you have to take a step back and think about your past behaviors with your child.  The way you communicate with your child verbally, physically and emotionally will play heavily in turning this situation around.  Before your child can change his/her actions, you will need to change yours.  It may be your reward system.  It may be how much quality time you are spending (or not spending) with your child.  It may also be the words you tell your child.  Are your words too demeaning or too coddling?  All of these are factors that you need to exam.  More than likely, if you change your approach, your child will change theirs.  It is all a matter of respect from both parties.

My child won’t go to school and when he/she does, they will not do homework

School is something that should be mandatory.  From the time your child begins pre-school until the time they graduate from High School, your child needs to know that you are involved and that their attendance and active participation is not optional.  It is a must!  However, if they do not feel that there will be consequences to not going or if they do not see you involved then they will be less likely to take it seriously.   Parents seem to slack off once their child enters JHS and especially HS.  This is the time when your involvement is most crucial.  This is a critical time for JHS seniors and incoming HS freshmen and sophomores because if they lose interest here or start straying down the wrong path, it will be hard to get back on track later.  Speak to your child.  Make sure their reason for not wanting to go is not due to peer pressure or gangs.  They are going to be approached more and more about sex and sexuality and they need you to be there to help them through it all.  Stay in touch with their teachers and go to parent/teacher conferences.  You need to make surprise visits to the school.  Your child may not like it but they need to know that you are paying attention.  It’s not enough just to ask how was school and if they have homework.  You need to get into specifics because instantaneously their response is going to be “school was good”.  But what made it good?  What did you learn today?  Who are your friends?  What are their grades and backgrounds?  Learn to read your children and read between the lines.  Learn to listen and be understanding parents.  Do not be afraid to share your school experiences with them.  It always helps for them to see that you have been where they are and that you understand.  Give honest answers and suggestions.  If the work is not being done you must be prepared with viable consequences.

My child is the school bully

A bully is someone who badgers and takes advantage of someone else.  Understand that if your child is a bully it is because they are seeking empowerment.  They are just going about it the wrong way.  There are many factors that can cause this.  Perhaps he/she is feeling left out at home or under shadowed by another sibling.  Perhaps your child was once bullied himself.  Some children become bullies due to peer pressure and/or wanting to make a good impression.  They often feel that being a bully comes with a form of respect.  Usually bullies tend to join gangs and even become gang leaders.  Therefore you discover your child is a bully, you need to work very hard to correct this behavior.  You should take time to speak to your child but if you the issue persists, do not hesitate to invest in anger management classes or a parent coach.  You may need a neutral party to understand why your child feels the need to be a bully.  And, more importantly, you may need additional help getting them to change their way of thinking and channel the negative empowerment behaviors into something positive.

If you see your child in these situations, hopefully you will take these answers and implement them into your practices of parenting in the home. It is never too late to get started on regaining control of your child’s life. And helping your child get through whatever situations he or she is involved in. A misunderstood child is just a child that needs what every other child needs – love, understanding and to know that he or she is important. Simply asking questions and listening can be the key to turning around the life of your child.

Here are a few questions that I am often asked by parents and guardians dealing with raising a step-child or child from other parents.

As a step-mother, how do I discipline my child without being labeled the “mean step-mother”?

The likelihood of being labeled a mean step mother is very hard once you begin the disciplinary process.  However, the same holds true for biological children.  Children do not like to be disciplined.  They will use whatever means necessary to get out of it.  Step children have more of an advantage.  They will use manipulation to try and get what they want.  They will tell you and the biological parents in hopes that the discipline will stop.  However, it shouldn’t.  You have created a family that includes your spouse’s child (ren).  They should be treated the same as your biological children.  That means when it comes to love and attention, they should receive the same.  When it comes to communication and respect, they should receive the same.  And, when it comes to rules, regulations and disciplinary actions, they should receive the same.

As a step-parent, what role do I play in disciplining my step-child or do I leave that to the biological parent?

Disciplinary actions can be a very touchy subject depending on the parents involved.  All of the parents (biological and step-parents) need to be in agreement and on the same page.   People tend not to like or respect step-parents because of their own personal issues.  To that end, there are some step parents that also have their own agenda and have not fully accepted their spouse’s child as their own.  All of that aside and assuming that we are dealing with a group of mature adult parents; each parent should be allowed to discipline the child independently.   The child should never get the feeling or be told that it is not ok for the step parent to hand down disciplinary actions.  You must show a united front as parents.  Once your child senses the least bit of separation that is where and when the manipulation will start.  They will begin to try and put all the parents at odds to get their way.  Remember who is in charge.

How should a step-parent approach the child for personal issues she or he may have?

Honesty is the best policy.  You want your children to be honest with you so it is only fair that you be honest with them.  Also, the best form of education is through firsthand experience.  When they see you confronting them, it will make it easier for them to do the same to you, which will only enhance your communication and overall relationship.

If you have an issue with your child, sit down and explain to them what’s bothering you and how it is making you feel.  Try not to make them feel bad in the process.  That is not the objective.  Your objective is to clear the air and come up with some common ground that you both can live with.  My suggestion would be to try a sandwich approach.  Talk about things that you like.  Then, go into the things you would like to be done differently.  Finally, conclude with an “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” or something that shows them that you are still in their corner.
What tips do you have for step-parents trying to achieve a better relationship with their step-child?

The biggest advice I could give you is to be genuine.  Children are very perceptive and they will pick up on who you really are and/or who you are trying to be.  Talk to them.  Do not avoid the conversations not even the uncomfortable questions.  If you do not know the answer, be honest with them and say that.  Do not make stuff up or tell them what they want to hear. Do not compare them with their siblings or with your children.  Understand that every person is their own individual.  You do not want them to think that you favor one child over the other.  Do not over-extend yourself or over compensate for not being their biological parent.  Each parent will have their own role to play in this child’s upbringing and it will be revealed in its own time.  Don’t rush or seem too anxious to develop the relationship.  You must have patience.  Remember, this is as new to the child as it is to you.  Communication and time are the key components.  You must take the time to get to know them.  Listening and observations are going to be the tools you may need to strengthen.  Many times there are a lot of hidden words in tones and body language, so pay close attention.  And if you are getting the feeling like maybe you should back off a little, follow your instinct.  You are probably correct.  Give it some time and maybe try a different approach.  However, don’t give up.  The child will grow to love and respect your resilience.

I have listed a group of questions that you may find helpful. These are other common questions that I am asked from parents just like you who are seeking help and finding answers to their questions on parenting their misunderstood child or children.

When Is It Time To Seek Help?

What are warning signs from your child that he/she needs professional help?

Parents often overlook many of the early warning signs that something is wrong. They usually look for the big bang, something drastic that the child does.  However, by that time, the situation has already gotten way out of control.  You need to look for early warning signs such as withdrawal.  Most children have a lot to say.  If your child does not want to communicate with you that is an early indication that there is an issue of some sort.  If your child has difficulty concentrating, that usually means that there is something on the mind prohibiting them to focus on the task at hand.  Another warning sign would be continuous disobedience.  Most children may misbehave but if you find that your child is not listening to you or other adult figures and constantly acting out, this is usually a key sign that you need to seek help.  There is a lack of respect and boundaries that need to be addressed.  If your child is verbally or physically abusive that is a big indicator that you need to seek.

When do the parents need to talk to a professional for guidance in parenting?

I would say parents should seek guidance from conception.  There are many things that parents will learn through trial and error but there are many things that you will not see or know to look for.  Unfortunately, in many cases, by the time you do notice it or figure it out you have already lost control of your child.  If you are dealing with a child that is not responsive to you then you need to seek help.  If you feel that you have tried everything in your power and your child is still unresponsive then you need to seek help.  You have not tried everything until you have tried bringing in a professional.  Bringing in a professional will serve two major purposes.  One, a professional will bring you a neutral third party.  Someone who has no objective but what is best for both parent and child.  Two, bringing in a professional will benefit you because you are doing just that – dealing with a professional, someone who has been trained in the field and can give you clinical techniques and solutions to use.

What type of help is available for families dealing with problems with misunderstood children?

There are all types of help for families dealing with misunderstood youth.  Most parents, especially those in the inner cities, choose not to explore other avenues that may be able to assist them with their children.  At the earliest of ages, I would suggest a mentor.  Having a reliable mentor is always effective.  Children need someone to look up to and idolize (both girls and boys).  Next, I would recommend a Parent Coach because they deal with both the parents and the child.  If your child is exhibiting disobedient behaviors, then it is very likely that the emotions tied to those behaviors has as much to do with the parents as it does with the child itself – if not more.  So through parent coaching, all aspects of the family life would be explored to determine the problem and the best possible solution for all those involved.  If the above options do not work, then I would suggest a counselor (a social worker or psychologist).  There is nothing wrong with seeking counsel for your child or for your family for that matter.

Can issues between parents and their children be resolved without seeking a professional?

Depending on the issue, I’d say definitely.  It also depends on the relationship between you and your child.  The better you are able to communicate your feelings to one another is the better you will be able to resolve your issues.  Every family and every situation is different and the issue should be treated accordingly.

I have listed a few questions below that are most commonly asked by parents just like you. These parents want to find the answers so that they can find the balance that is required to keep and maintain a healthy family life that includes parenting and their career.

Balancing Career and Family

What advice do you have for parents with careers, going to school and raising children?

The average parent today has to struggle between work, raising their children and maintaining their household.  And as parents, it is easy to find yourself lost in the struggle.  Either they are paying too much attention to work and not enough at home or vice-versa.  It is imperative to have a balance.  You do not want to give up on your own personal goals and dreams because you have become a parent.  Some of those dreams may include a professional career and in order to achieve that your goal may be to go back to school for higher education.  Going to school requires a lot of dedication, motivation and time.  When you have children, time management becomes a bigger key factor in your life.  Every minute of the day has to account for something productive.  You have to find time for your studies and homework but you also have to find time to spend with your children.  If you are already working, this task becomes even more difficulty but not impossible.  You have to use your time wisely.  Figure out the needs and wants of your day.  I suggest, if your kids are old enough to help you out around the house that you start implementing a chores system.  It does not have to be much but every little bit that they can do will help you in the long run, not to mention it begins teaching them responsibility.

You may also have to eliminate things that are not as important as they use to be or things that you just do not have time for any longer.  You should not over extend yourself but committing to other engagements or taking on any additional responsibilities.  This may all seem overwhelming and it may be at times, but you and your family will adjust to the new routine after a while.  The important thing is not to give up.  Keep trying different time management scenarios until you find the one that best suits you.

How do you advise out-of-work parents to keep stability in the home?

With today’s economy as it is, more and more parents are out of work.  If for whatever reason you find yourself in this situation, it is important to take action right away.  Do not continue to live as if you had your weekly income.  Your first step should be to create a budget that reflects the new household income.  If you have a spouse, then include that.  If any of your children are working and contribute to the house include that.  If you will collect unemployment or social security, include that.  Whatever income you may be expecting should be listed.  Now make a list of all your current expense items and their amounts.  Go down that list and see which items can be scaled down or eliminated altogether.  At a time like this, you will have to be drastic so eliminations may include cable or internet service.  You need to minimize and/or alleviate as many expenses as possible.  Once you are back on your foot and working again, you may be able to restore some of those services after a while.

Your next step should be to have a family meeting.  Everyone that lives in your household should be present.  Explain to them your new situation and that things are going to be tight, even little uncomfortable for a while and everyone will be needed to contribute and pull their weight.  Contributing does not only mean financially.  Your children can contribute by making sure they turn off the lights and appliances if they are not using them, saving on the electric bill. They can monitor their eating and drinking intake by having smaller servings or cooking so that money is not spent on take out.  They can also contribute by taking care of the things they currently have so it does not have to be replaced.  There are many ways to contribute in a situation like this and everyone must be expected to do so. Communication will be a large factor throughout this time.  People are more supporting and likely to help if they are updated and know what’s going on.  This includes children.  To assume that children are too young to understand or to help out would be a huge misconception and mistake on your part.  They may turn out to be your biggest supporters.

How can working parents maintain a healthy home with children with active lives – sports, work, socializing, etc.?

Keeping a balance between work and parenting can be very challenging especially when your children are involved in many activities.  However, keeping up with their social life is just as important as maintaining your career and bringing in the household income.  As I said before, it is challenging but doable.  You must always make time for your children.  The easiest way to stay abreast of what is going on with them is by asking them.  Make sure that the opportunity for dialogue between you and your child is always open.  At some point every day you should be speaking to your child about their day and yours.  Find out what they are up to, if they are having in problems, who their friends are and what they are like.  Make sure that most of these conversations are face to face so that you get a good sense of their body language and facial expressions.  You can learn a lot about a person just by watching their movements.  Next, make time to attend some of their events or activities.  The ones that you cannot attend, make sure that it was communicated beforehand so they are not expecting you and become disappointed when you do not show up.  Do not assume that your child understands that you have to work and that is why you are not around.  Speak to them.  Explain it to them in a way that they understand.

Although everyone in the household may be busy and have conflicting schedules, arrange to have a family night at least once a month.  It can be an in house or outdoor activity/event.  But, it is important to do things periodically as a family unit.  It is also important to eat dinner together as a family.  Many families are not doing this anymore and it takes a lot away from getting to know one another.  Everyday life issues are important but in the process you cannot lose yourself or your family.  That has to be your priority.

What advice do you give for parents who travel and are not home on a regular basis with their children?

If you are a parent that travels, whether mother or father, this is a huge sacrifice you are making for both you and your child.  There is a lot that will be lost and if you do not want your relationship to be lost then you have to make sure that you go the extra mile to reassure your child that you are still there for them and have not deserted them.  As always, communication is key.  You should be calling to speak to your child as often as possible preferably in the morning and at night before bed. Children want to feel safe and loved and those are the times that they tend to feel most vulnerable.  So a good morning and good night call will help them get their day off on the right foot and end it the same way. Also, make sure your child has your contact information as well.

Knowing what’s going on in their lives is going to be very important; so during your conversations be sure to ask specific questions about their day, school, friends and activities.  Keep in contact with the other parent or guardian so that you are in the loop with everything that is happening in your child’s life.  The child may not remember or be willing to tell you everything.  You cannot buy a child’s affection but an occasional “I am thinking of you” present will not hurt.  If possible, during school breaks arrange for the child to travel with you.  I would also recommend that you make sure that your child has a mentor, someone they can confide in about their feelings towards your absenteeism.  Children may understand your reason for not being around but that does not mean they like or know how to handle it.  So just be very careful and watch for signs of withdrawal and/or disobedience.  These are normal reactions but must be dealt with right away before it gets out of control.

A traveling parent can be complicated but sometimes it’s unavoidable.  In those cases, you have to make every moment that you are with your child count.  Do not get distracted by taking phone calls or watching television.  The time you do have and the way you spend it will be crucial for the both of you.

Hopefully these answers will aid you in finding balance in parenting and your career and guide you to a better understanding of how you can maintain a functional and successful family life.

I got into this field the minute I became a parent.  I studied the ends and outs of my son: his smiles, his cries, his expressions, his speech, etc.  I was able to understand and communicate with him on a level that most people could not comprehend.   When I realized that he had difficulty expressing and communicating his feelings to other people, I began to take note of their reactions towards him.  Some people stayed away, some people judged him, some people came up with their own interpretations but all in all I realized that my son was being misunderstood.  There were a lot of underlying factors that they were not seeing or asking about.  They were just formulating their own opinions.

I found this behavior unacceptable and I knew if it was happening to my son, it was happening to so many other children as well.  As a parent, there are times that I get frustrated by certain behaviors or remarks made by my son, but I always have to take a step back and analyze where he is coming from or what he is really trying to convey.  Everything that a child says is not always what they mean.  Sometimes you have to dig deep and interpret their true meaning.

At this point, I found myself talking to more and more parents and counselors about children’s behaviors and the roles that parents play.  When I started putting the two together, I realized just how misguided many parents were.  I saw a combination of the old school parents that still have the mentality of “do as I say, not as I do” and the new age parents that are just scrambling trying to figure things out as they go.  So, this is where my quest and mission began.

I believe that effective parenting is the foundation for our misunderstood youth.  Many parents are afraid to admit that they need help or that they made a mistake out of fear that they will be labeled a “bad parent”.   Parents are human and parenting is a learning experience just like everything else in life.  As a Parent Coach, I take my clients through a series of self reflection so they can see how their actions affect their children, negatively and/or positively.  We work together to come up with solutions that will have the most positive impact on both parent and child.

If you feel that your child is too young and not interested in learning about sex or physical attractions, then I wouldn’t go into it at the dinner table. But if you see that your child’s behavioral patterns display interest in the opposite sex, then by all means – “Hello, Dear! How was your day? Have you been kissing boys…pass the potatoes, please?”

Seriously, the best way to talk to your child about sex is in a way that he or she feels comfort. If you have to pull out the dolls or sketch pad, then do what it takes to teach them. But just keep in mind that your child will learn from you or someone else. It’s up to YOU, as the parent, to be the voice of logic and reasoning.

Below are very common questions that parents have when they are talking to their child about sex or are questioning themselves about when to do so. Read them over and find out if you should be having the sex talk or not.

What is a good age to start talking to a child about sex?

You introduce your child to the topic of sex from the time they are old enough to understand the names of their body parts.  You want your child to understand what their body parts are, why they are important and why they are sacred.  That is sex talk just on a baby level. As for the more explicit meanings and nature of sex, you have to know and observe your child.  If your child’s body is developing, whether breast or hair, you know it’s time to begin the talk.  If your child is having wet dreams or taking long showers, you know it’s time to have the talk.  If your child is constantly talking about the opposite sex in a way that implies they are ready to date, then you know it’s time to have the talk.  Every child is different; and the age where they begin asking questions and understanding about their bodies, the opposite sex and sex as a whole is also different.  You have to know when your child is ready to handle the “sex” conversation.

Is there a specific way that a parent should approach a child about the issues of sex?

There is no specific way to approach your child about the issue of sex.  In today’s society, your child may already know more than you think they do so you may want to start there.  Ask them what they already know or what have they heard?  From their response, you will know what you need to correct or what you need to elaborate on.  Children are hearing things from their friends, from the media and from school, so you need to make sure that you clarify any untruths or misconceptions your child may have about sex and STD’s for that matter.

The topic of sex is usually uncomfortable for both parent and child.  The parent is afraid of saying too much or too little.  The child is afraid of their parent’s responses.  However, as the parent, you do not want to embarrass your child, so make sure that the conversation is personal and private.  You do not want to come across aggressive or upset because your child will shut down and be afraid to communicate other experiences or thoughts they may be having.  Ask a lot of questions and do a lot of listening, then render YOUR OPINION.  It is important that you understand that you are not telling your child what to do; you are offering advice and giving them the necessary tools and information to make a positive informed decision on their own.  It is equally important for your child to understand that this is their life and the decisions that are made will be theirs to contend with in the long run.  Explain that your role is simply to listen and give advice but the choice is ultimately theirs.

Should parents question their children about their sexual experiences?

Parents should definitely question whether or not their child is sexually activity.  You should not just ask once; you should ask periodically because you never know when the answer changes.  Do not expect them to volunteer the information.  However, you need to be observant.  There are subtle signs that may give their sexual status away, especially for girls.  Their bodies begin to change – develop or full out more.  They become that much more secretive around the house. You can even look for personality changes.  If you really know your child, the signs will give them away.

Depending on the relationship you have developed with your child, you may get away with asking more intimate details.  However, sex is and should be a private matter.  Would you want your child or anyone else asking you intimate details of your love life?  Take that into consideration when approaching your child with certain questions.  Although they are children, there are certain details that should remain private.  As a parent, you should also teach your child about the importance of keeping their sex life private.

If you suspect your child is sexually active, take them to the pediatrician and let the doctor exam them and speak to them about sex, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and birth control.  You can and should follow up with your own conversation thereafter.  But there are times when some children prefer to discuss these matters with a neutral party.  Do not be insulted or get your feelings hurt if your child does not come to you.  The main objective is to put your child in touch with someone you trust will give them the best advice and tools needed so they can make good decisions for their future.

At what age should a parent discuss birth control with their child?

Birth control is a topic that should be discussed when you are having the initial in depth sex talk.  Birth control should be discussed with both males and females.  It is a bad misconception that people have when they feel that birth control is the female’s responsibility.  Well keep in mind, when the baby comes, neither parent is exempt from responsibility.  However, if your daughter gets her period and you haven’t had the sex conversation with her yet, then that would be the time to have it.  If you have had the sex talk before her period, then once her cycle begins you should reinforce the conversation again with a follow up visit to her pediatrician.

It is important when you are having these conversations that you stay focused on the main objective.  The main objective is to give your child all the information he/she needs to know to make informed decisions.  You want to talk about the opposite sex from a neutral standpoint.  Do not give your opinion.  Stick to the facts.  Your child will have to formulate his/her own opinion through their experiences not yours.  Discuss the pros and cons of having sex as a teenager.  Telling your child not to have sex is almost a sure invitation to the bedroom.  So once again, stick to the facts.  Provide information on the various forms of contraceptives for both males and females.  You want to talk and show pictures (if available) about the different sexually transmitted diseases that can occur if the right conception is not used.  Lastly, you want to give your child an opportunity to ask questions or make comments.

Parents……You must do your research.  Be prepared when having this conversation the same that you prepare for your business meeting at work. This is an important topic and although you are not giving your opinion, if the information is conveyed correctly, they will follow the path you want them to.

How can a parent prevent their child from having premarital sex?

There is no sure way to prevent your child from having premarital sex outside of monitoring their every move.  Even that will only work until that turn 18. You can talk to your child about abstinence and why you feel that is the route they should take. However, to be safe, you should also talk to them about sex. Do not think if you don’t speak to them about sex that they won’t know.  The difference will be that they will know all the things they hear from other people and other sources.  Is this the knowledge and/or images you really want your child to have about sex?  Talk to you children about all the options that are available to them.  Trust in your communication with your child.  Trust in the knowledge that you have bestowed upon them.  Trust them to make informed decisions and let them know that you are there for them whether they choose abstinence or sex.

Here are four of some of the most popular questions that I am asked on parenting and how to maintain that strong family unit.

What advice do you offer couples who are dealing with misunderstood youth?

Don’t always look at the obvious.  Most times you have to search behind the obvious to get to the truth.  There is usually a reason behind the actual action.  One key element will be your patience and willingness to comprehend the real issues.  The second key element is not to assume you know how or what your child is feeling – always ask.

What is the best way that you advise parents to go about changing negative issues into positive when dealing with their children?

The best way to turn a negative issue into a positive one is by associating the issue with positive outcomes.  For example: “Although you disobeyed me, I’m glad you learned a valuable lesson as to why you shouldn’t do that again.”

How do you suggest parents find a way to reach their children?

The #1 way to reach your kid is by spending time with them.  Get to know and understand them – their likes and dislikes, their friends, the habits, their hobbies, etc.  Also you need to get involved in other community activities.  Many parents don’t realize the significant in community involvement.  One of the major complaints from children today is that their parents don’t understand them or their parents are too busy to spend time with them.  If you are busy then you can keep it simple by making sure you routinely have family dinner.  This is time for you and your child.  They know this is their time to talk to you about all that is going on and for you to give them your feedback.

What are some ideals that parents can follow when dealing with violent or misbehaved children?

If your child is exhibiting violent behavior or misbehaving to the point where you feel you have lost control over the child, you will want to invest in counseling/coaching for your child, yourself and as a family.  Counselors and coaches are able to look at your situation from an outside perspective coupled with their professional experience.  This gives you and your child the opportunity to gain advice and perspective from someone who doesn’t know your circumstances.  So there are no biased solutions.  Also, you will gain insight on many of the underlying issues that are causing the violence and misbehavior.  Nine times out of ten, you as the parent, are not able to pick up on those things because you are so close to the situation and you are not trained to look for certain key words or expressions that will lead a professional to the answers you seek.  The job of a counselor/coach would be to help you understand why your child is misbehaving and help you to come up with positive solutions.

What advice do you give to men and women on understanding the dos and don’ts of building a solid foundation for their household?

It is imperative to build a solid foundation for everything that you do, no matter how big or small.  Building a household is no different.  A solid foundation is what will sustain you through the good and bad times.  It’s like building your house out of wood instead of bricks.  The house made of bricks can sustain itself better through a fire than the one made out of wood.

Hopefully these answers will assist you with the issues that you are dealing with in your household. There is always a solution to each problem. As a family, you just have to stick together, communicate and stay focused on working out the problem.

That is why as parents we have to be even more involved in the lives of our children. We must know what is going on in their lives. And in order to find out we must ask questions; get involved if only through communication. Talking to your child could be a way of helping them find out more of themselves and help them to see that they can change their low self-esteem into confidence.

Read the following questions and see if your child falls into one or more of these categories. Find the answers and apply them to your parenting skills. Remember, it is okay to ask questions to your children. Proper communication is the key to a successful family unit as well as when getting to know your child.

Child with Low Self-Esteem

My child is an adolescent who wants to wear tight clothes and make-up. Remember your role.  You are the parent not the child.  Ultimately, you make the decisions on clothes and make up.  As an adolescent, your child should not be wearing make-up and tight or short clothing.  It is inappropriate and makes her a target for sexual predators.  Many people take for granted that it cannot happen to them, until it does.  Do not put your child in that position.   Again, effective communication is very important.  Do not degrade your child for wanting this look.  Instead, find out what is bringing about the change in her wanting a new look.  Is she trying to imitate the way you look?  Some children want to act, dress and speak like their parents.  If this is the case, you must convey to her that she is still too young for make-up and this type of clothing.  She can try these looks when she gets older, more responsible and able to defend herself a little better.  Research a few incidents that had negative outcomes when girls chose to look and dress an older age.  Let her see what can happen and then explain to her why you wouldn’t want to see that happen to her.  When you are speaking with her, do not assume her answers for her.  Let her respond to your questions and make sure that you are hearing the answers.

Do not be afraid to ask questions. Is it that she is uncomfortable with who she is and how she looks?  This can cause a great deal of low self-esteem and confidence.  If not taken seriously and addressed, other problems are likely to arise.  Make sure your daughter knows that beauty always starts on the inside and works its way out.  Explain to her what makes her beautiful and unique to everyone else.  Explain to her the importance of accepting who she is and see if there are variables about her that can be changed.  Then take the necessary steps to help her resolve those issues.  For example, if she is unhappy with her weight, help her to eat healthier and exercise regularly even if it means you changing your diet and exercising also.  If she is developing acne, then you should take her to a dermatologist.  There may be little things that you can assist her with to help ease her anxiety about her image.

Or could it be peer pressure?  Your daughter could be experiencing the negative effects of wanting to fit in with other girls in her school or neighborhood.  This is very common amongst adolescents and teenagers.  Make sure you know who your daughter’s friends are and what they are about.  You should also want to know who their parents are and what they are about.  Even if her friends are good kids, you should remind your daughter the importance of being true to herself, knowing herself and making decisions for herself.  This is when she really starts to distinguish herself as a leader or a follower.  This is when you need to step up your game and be the woman that you want your child to be proud of.  Show her and speak to her about what it means to be a leader.  Make sure that you dress in a manner that your child can look up to.  Remember, if you are not giving her that attention or being that positive person in her life, she will seek it elsewhere and who she finds may not have her best interest at heart.

My child is having trouble making friends in school.

There could be more than a dozen reasons why your child is having difficulty making friends.  Don’t always assume the worst.  There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself and a lot of steps you can go through.  You need to eliminate all possible variations, until you come up with the answer that best fits your child’s situation.  Okay, so if your child is having trouble making friends, you should first ask yourself what type of child you have at home.

Is he/she outgoing and energetic or an introvert, quiet and subdued?  If they are normally outgoing and they are having trouble, I would find out if they are being teased or picked on.  This may cause them to withdraw.  If the opposite is occurring where they are normally quiet at home but in school you are finding that they are loud and energetic, this usually means that they are seeking attention that they are not getting at home.  However, this can cause a backfire affect because their peers may not like the overacting attention seeker. If that is not it, speak to their teachers.  Find out what their day is like.  If possible, spend a day there to observe your child’s interaction with the other students and vice-versa.  Does your child know how to play with others?  Many times if they grow up as an only child, they are not used to playing or sharing with others.  This takes a while for them to adjust to but they normally do.  Like everything else, it is a process and should be discussed frequently.  Make sure you point this out to their teacher immediately, so that they can be aware and help when they can.

Above everything else, speak to your child.  Get their perspective on why they are not making friends.  What are these friends like?  Does your child have similarities or things in common with their peers?  It could be something as simple as them not being around the right crowd of peers. Like I mentioned before, there could be dozens of reasons why your child is not making friends.  It is not until you have located the reason is when you can begin to address it and find possible solutions.

My child is being teased at school.

Being teased is hard for anyone to go through much less a child.  Teasing breaks down their self esteem and self confidence.  Children are teased about everything.  If this happens to your child, you must notify the teacher right away, if they don’t already know.  Arrange for a meeting with the other child’s parents, if possible, to discuss the situation and the best way to handle it going forward.  Most importantly, speak to your child about two very important things.

First, teach him/her know that when a person teases, it is a reflection of who they are and what they are lacking in themselves.  It has nothing to do with your child.  The phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind.  The person that is teasing is unhappy and looking for attention.  The only way they can bring attention to themselves is by picking on someone else.  They try to supplement their low self confidence with hurting others.
Secondly, you do not want this negative act to leave long lasting scars (emotionally) on your child.  You must constantly reassure them and boost their self esteem.  Saying it once will not do the trick.  They have to hear it, feel it and believe it – from you.  Then they will for themselves.

My child has trouble saying NO to others.

Your child may be developing low self-esteem and self confidence.  Often when you find a child that has a hard time saying no; it is because they are trying to fit in.  They want to be liked.  Peer-pressure plays a very big role in this and unfortunately children can find themselves on the wrong side of the law because of it.  Telling your child to be a leader and not a follower means nothing if you don’t sit and explain what that statement means.

The greatest leader has to follow someone.  So what exactly are you telling your child or are you confusing them more than they already are.  Give your child prime examples of celebrity leaders and leaders closer to home.  Make sure they have people they can look up to.  If not, they will find their own and it may not be what you had in mind.  Get your child involved in leadership activities.  It could be anything from a sport to politics.  Whatever it is, make it something both positive and enjoyable for them.  Indirectly they will receive leadership and critical thinking skills and be surrounded by positive leaders in the process.  It may take a while but eventually they will follow suit.  They will begin being leaders in their own right and saying no when applicable.