Terryl Ebony

My Child Is Acting Out

admin — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 03:37:40 +0000

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Parenting Step-Children

admin — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:44:52 +0000

When Is It Time To Seek Help?

admin — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:09:08 +0000

A question that I am commonly asked from parents dealing with misunderstood children is, “When is it time to seek help?” I find that in many cases, when you are at the point where you begin to question yourself about your parenting skills, is when you may need to seek professional help.

I have listed a group of questions that you may find helpful. These are other common questions that I am asked from parents just like you who are seeking help and finding answers to their questions on parenting their misunderstood child or children.

When Is It Time To Seek Help?

What are warning signs from your child that he/she needs professional help?

Parents often overlook many of the early warning signs that something is wrong. They usually look for the big bang, something drastic that the child does. However, by that time, the situation has already gotten way out of control. You need to look for early warning signs such as withdrawal. Most children have a lot to say. If your child does not want to communicate with you that is an early indication that there is an issue of some sort. If your child has difficulty concentrating, that usually means that there is something on the mind prohibiting them to focus on the task at hand. Another warning sign would be continuous disobedience. Most children may misbehave but if you find that your child is not listening to you or other adult figures and constantly acting out, this is usually a key sign that you need to seek help. There is a lack of respect and boundaries that need to be addressed. If your child is verbally or physically abusive that is a big indicator that you need to seek.

When do the parents need to talk to a professional for guidance in parenting?

I would say parents should seek guidance from conception. There are many things that parents will learn through trial and error but there are many things that you will not see or know to look for. Unfortunately, in many cases, by the time you do notice it or figure it out you have already lost control of your child. If you are dealing with a child that is not responsive to you then you need to seek help. If you feel that you have tried everything in your power and your child is still unresponsive then you need to seek help. You have not tried everything until you have tried bringing in a professional. Bringing in a professional will serve two major purposes. One, a professional will bring you a neutral third party. Someone who has no objective but what is best for both parent and child. Two, bringing in a professional will benefit you because you are doing just that – dealing with a professional, someone who has been trained in the field and can give you clinical techniques and solutions to use.

What type of help is available for families dealing with problems with misunderstood children?

There are all types of help for families dealing with misunderstood youth. Most parents, especially those in the inner cities, choose not to explore other avenues that may be able to assist them with their children. At the earliest of ages, I would suggest a mentor. Having a reliable mentor is always effective. Children need someone to look up to and idolize (both girls and boys). Next, I would recommend a Parent Coach because they deal with both the parents and the child. If your child is exhibiting disobedient behaviors, then it is very likely that the emotions tied to those behaviors has as much to do with the parents as it does with the child itself – if not more. So through parent coaching, all aspects of the family life would be explored to determine the problem and the best possible solution for all those involved. If the above options do not work, then I would suggest a counselor (a social worker or psychologist). There is nothing wrong with seeking counsel for your child or for your family for that matter.

Can issues between parents and their children be resolved without seeking a professional?

Depending on the issue, I’d say definitely. It also depends on the relationship between you and your child. The better you are able to communicate your feelings to one another is the better you will be able to resolve your issues. Every family and every situation is different and the issue should be treated accordingly.

Finding Balance Between Parenting And Your Career

admin — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 00:51:07 +0000

Finding balance between parenting and your career can be successfully done if a plan of action is followed. As a Parent Coach I see parents from all social and financial backgrounds with difficulties raising their children and maintaining a successful career. As I have told all the parents that I speak with, career and family can be a struggle, but can be maintained – successfully.

I have listed a few questions below that are most commonly asked by parents just like you. These parents want to find the answers so that they can find the balance that is required to keep and maintain a healthy family life that includes parenting and their career.

Balancing Career and Family

What advice do you have for parents with careers, going to school and raising children?

The average parent today has to struggle between work, raising their children and maintaining their household. And as parents, it is easy to find yourself lost in the struggle. Either they are paying too much attention to work and not enough at home or vice-versa. It is imperative to have a balance. You do not want to give up on your own personal goals and dreams because you have become a parent. Some of those dreams may include a professional career and in order to achieve that your goal may be to go back to school for higher education. Going to school requires a lot of dedication, motivation and time. When you have children, time management becomes a bigger key factor in your life. Every minute of the day has to account for something productive. You have to find time for your studies and homework but you also have to find time to spend with your children. If you are already working, this task becomes even more difficulty but not impossible. You have to use your time wisely. Figure out the needs and wants of your day. I suggest, if your kids are old enough to help you out around the house that you start implementing a chores system. It does not have to be much but every little bit that they can do will help you in the long run, not to mention it begins teaching them responsibility.

You may also have to eliminate things that are not as important as they use to be or things that you just do not have time for any longer. You should not over extend yourself but committing to other engagements or taking on any additional responsibilities. This may all seem overwhelming and it may be at times, but you and your family will adjust to the new routine after a while. The important thing is not to give up. Keep trying different time management scenarios until you find the one that best suits you.

How do you advise out-of-work parents to keep stability in the home?

With today’s economy as it is, more and more parents are out of work. If for whatever reason you find yourself in this situation, it is important to take action right away. Do not continue to live as if you had your weekly income. Your first step should be to create a budget that reflects the new household income. If you have a spouse, then include that. If any of your children are working and contribute to the house include that. If you will collect unemployment or social security, include that. Whatever income you may be expecting should be listed. Now make a list of all your current expense items and their amounts. Go down that list and see which items can be scaled down or eliminated altogether. At a time like this, you will have to be drastic so eliminations may include cable or internet service. You need to minimize and/or alleviate as many expenses as possible. Once you are back on your foot and working again, you may be able to restore some of those services after a while.

Your next step should be to have a family meeting. Everyone that lives in your household should be present. Explain to them your new situation and that things are going to be tight, even little uncomfortable for a while and everyone will be needed to contribute and pull their weight. Contributing does not only mean financially. Your children can contribute by making sure they turn off the lights and appliances if they are not using them, saving on the electric bill. They can monitor their eating and drinking intake by having smaller servings or cooking so that money is not spent on take out. They can also contribute by taking care of the things they currently have so it does not have to be replaced. There are many ways to contribute in a situation like this and everyone must be expected to do so. Communication will be a large factor throughout this time. People are more supporting and likely to help if they are updated and know what’s going on. This includes children. To assume that children are too young to understand or to help out would be a huge misconception and mistake on your part. They may turn out to be your biggest supporters.

How can working parents maintain a healthy home with children with active lives – sports, work, socializing, etc.?

Keeping a balance between work and parenting can be very challenging especially when your children are involved in many activities. However, keeping up with their social life is just as important as maintaining your career and bringing in the household income. As I said before, it is challenging but doable. You must always make time for your children. The easiest way to stay abreast of what is going on with them is by asking them. Make sure that the opportunity for dialogue between you and your child is always open. At some point every day you should be speaking to your child about their day and yours. Find out what they are up to, if they are having in problems, who their friends are and what they are like. Make sure that most of these conversations are face to face so that you get a good sense of their body language and facial expressions. You can learn a lot about a person just by watching their movements. Next, make time to attend some of their events or activities. The ones that you cannot attend, make sure that it was communicated beforehand so they are not expecting you and become disappointed when you do not show up. Do not assume that your child understands that you have to work and that is why you are not around. Speak to them. Explain it to them in a way that they understand.

Although everyone in the household may be busy and have conflicting schedules, arrange to have a family night at least once a month. It can be an in house or outdoor activity/event. But, it is important to do things periodically as a family unit. It is also important to eat dinner together as a family. Many families are not doing this anymore and it takes a lot away from getting to know one another. Everyday life issues are important but in the process you cannot lose yourself or your family. That has to be your priority.

What advice do you give for parents who travel and are not home on a regular basis with their children?

If you are a parent that travels, whether mother or father, this is a huge sacrifice you are making for both you and your child. There is a lot that will be lost and if you do not want your relationship to be lost then you have to make sure that you go the extra mile to reassure your child that you are still there for them and have not deserted them. As always, communication is key. You should be calling to speak to your child as often as possible preferably in the morning and at night before bed. Children want to feel safe and loved and those are the times that they tend to feel most vulnerable. So a good morning and good night call will help them get their day off on the right foot and end it the same way. Also, make sure your child has your contact information as well.

Knowing what’s going on in their lives is going to be very important; so during your conversations be sure to ask specific questions about their day, school, friends and activities. Keep in contact with the other parent or guardian so that you are in the loop with everything that is happening in your child’s life. The child may not remember or be willing to tell you everything. You cannot buy a child’s affection but an occasional “I am thinking of you” present will not hurt. If possible, during school breaks arrange for the child to travel with you. I would also recommend that you make sure that your child has a mentor, someone they can confide in about their feelings towards your absenteeism. Children may understand your reason for not being around but that does not mean they like or know how to handle it. So just be very careful and watch for signs of withdrawal and/or disobedience. These are normal reactions but must be dealt with right away before it gets out of control.

A traveling parent can be complicated but sometimes it’s unavoidable. In those cases, you have to make every moment that you are with your child count. Do not get distracted by taking phone calls or watching television. The time you do have and the way you spend it will be crucial for the both of you.

Hopefully these answers will aid you in finding balance in parenting and your career and guide you to a better understanding of how you can maintain a functional and successful family life.

Terryl Ebony – Parenting Coach

admin — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 00:27:08 +0000

My mission as a Parent Coach is to create various avenues to educate individuals on the fundamentals of parenting and raising children that are misunderstood. Through my coaching techniques, workshops and nationwide speaking engagements, I intend to bring awareness to families about the importance of effective parenting and how their actions help shape the future and characteristics of their children.

I got into this field the minute I became a parent. I studied the ends and outs of my son: his smiles, his cries, his expressions, his speech, etc. I was able to understand and communicate with him on a level that most people could not comprehend. When I realized that he had difficulty expressing and communicating his feelings to other people, I began to take note of their reactions towards him. Some people stayed away, some people judged him, some people came up with their own interpretations but all in all I realized that my son was being misunderstood. There were a lot of underlying factors that they were not seeing or asking about. They were just formulating their own opinions.

I found this behavior unacceptable and I knew if it was happening to my son, it was happening to so many other children as well. As a parent, there are times that I get frustrated by certain behaviors or remarks made by my son, but I always have to take a step back and analyze where he is coming from or what he is really trying to convey. Everything that a child says is not always what they mean. Sometimes you have to dig deep and interpret their true meaning.

At this point, I found myself talking to more and more parents and counselors about children’s behaviors and the roles that parents play. When I started putting the two together, I realized just how misguided many parents were. I saw a combination of the old school parents that still have the mentality of “do as I say, not as I do” and the new age parents that are just scrambling trying to figure things out as they go. So, this is where my quest and mission began.

I believe that effective parenting is the foundation for our misunderstood youth. Many parents are afraid to admit that they need help or that they made a mistake out of fear that they will be labeled a “bad parent”. Parents are human and parenting is a learning experience just like everything else in life. As a Parent Coach, I take my clients through a series of self reflection so they can see how their actions affect their children, negatively and/or positively. We work together to come up with solutions that will have the most positive impact on both parent and child.

When To Have The SEX Talk?

admin — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 03:40:16 +0000

How to Maintain A Successful Family Unit

admin — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:54:53 +0000

As a Parenting Coach, I am often asked my advice on maintaining a successful family unit. With so many parents these days dealing with misunderstood children; children living in broken homes; parents and children not getting along – it is important to know that there are answers to the questions that parents and children may have.

Here are four of some of the most popular questions that I am asked on parenting and how to maintain that strong family unit.

What advice do you offer couples who are dealing with misunderstood youth?

Don’t always look at the obvious. Most times you have to search behind the obvious to get to the truth. There is usually a reason behind the actual action. One key element will be your patience and willingness to comprehend the real issues. The second key element is not to assume you know how or what your child is feeling – always ask.

What is the best way that you advise parents to go about changing negative issues into positive when dealing with their children?

The best way to turn a negative issue into a positive one is by associating the issue with positive outcomes. For example: “Although you disobeyed me, I’m glad you learned a valuable lesson as to why you shouldn’t do that again.”

How do you suggest parents find a way to reach their children?

The #1 way to reach your kid is by spending time with them. Get to know and understand them – their likes and dislikes, their friends, the habits, their hobbies, etc. Also you need to get involved in other community activities. Many parents don’t realize the significant in community involvement. One of the major complaints from children today is that their parents don’t understand them or their parents are too busy to spend time with them. If you are busy then you can keep it simple by making sure you routinely have family dinner. This is time for you and your child. They know this is their time to talk to you about all that is going on and for you to give them your feedback.

What are some ideals that parents can follow when dealing with violent or misbehaved children?

If your child is exhibiting violent behavior or misbehaving to the point where you feel you have lost control over the child, you will want to invest in counseling/coaching for your child, yourself and as a family. Counselors and coaches are able to look at your situation from an outside perspective coupled with their professional experience. This gives you and your child the opportunity to gain advice and perspective from someone who doesn’t know your circumstances. So there are no biased solutions. Also, you will gain insight on many of the underlying issues that are causing the violence and misbehavior. Nine times out of ten, you as the parent, are not able to pick up on those things because you are so close to the situation and you are not trained to look for certain key words or expressions that will lead a professional to the answers you seek. The job of a counselor/coach would be to help you understand why your child is misbehaving and help you to come up with positive solutions.

What advice do you give to men and women on understanding the dos and don’ts of building a solid foundation for their household?

It is imperative to build a solid foundation for everything that you do, no matter how big or small. Building a household is no different. A solid foundation is what will sustain you through the good and bad times. It’s like building your house out of wood instead of bricks. The house made of bricks can sustain itself better through a fire than the one made out of wood.

Hopefully these answers will assist you with the issues that you are dealing with in your household. There is always a solution to each problem. As a family, you just have to stick together, communicate and stay focused on working out the problem.

How to Deal With Your Own Personal Issues

admin — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:51:26 +0000

Getting to know yourself and handling your own personal issues is imperative. It will be almost impossible to have a successful relationship or successful family structure if you can not deal with your own faults and learn to turn them around for the better.

When entering into any type of relationship, you are responsible for knowing how to deal with personal issues, such as self confidence, self expression and even money matters. There are many people out there who find that their relationships and marriages fall apart due to the fact that they did not or could not handle personal issues of their own. Which later on caused problems for them as a couple and family unit.

Here are a few questions that I find people tend to want to know when dealing with their own personal issues before they get into a relationship or marriage.

What advice would you give to women for building self-confidence?

Women, if you want to boost your self-confidence you have to be willing to change and face your fears. Those are two crucial components to boosting your self-confidence. You can test the theory by trying to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Regardless of the results your mission would be a success. If it works, great! You will feel the results of taking a chance and feeling the success. If it doesn’t work, you have still won. You would feel the results of stepping outside your comfort zone. That experience alone will let you know that you can do it again.

What advice would you give to men on communication and self-expression?

Effective communication is very important in every aspect of your life. Write out your feelings on paper if it will help you to organize your thoughts better. Make sure you are clear on how you’re feeling so there is no room for miscommunication. However, make sure in your expression that your tone is not too passive or aggressive. Both tones can be misinterpreted and that is not your goal. Your goal is to be clear, concise and informative.

How would you advise men and women to deal with issues on handling their personal finances before entering into marriage?

A financial planner is always best. An alternative to a planner would be creating your own budget. List your NET income and all your expenses. From there you will have a visual of what your current finances look like. Then from your expenses, determine your needs and your wants. Your needs should be first on list. Then put your wants in order of importance. If you need to scale back on your spending you will have a good idea where to begin. Seeing things on paper always makes it more real and clear.

Is Your Child Dealing With Low Self-Esteem?

admin — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:18:58 +0000

Daughter Out Of Control

admin — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:17:59 +0000