It is unfortunate, but as we all know, it happens. Even as adults we face issues of doubt and the pressures of society which affects our thinking and actions. In some it even leads to feeling less of what we really are, which can cause the lowering of our self-esteem. As children it is 10 times worse. All the pressures that today’s society evokes on our children to look a certain way or act a certain way to be considered “cool.” There is no wonder that our children deal with issues of low self-esteem.
That is why as parents we have to be even more involved in the lives of our children. We must know what is going on in their lives. And in order to find out we must ask questions; get involved if only through communication. Talking to your child could be a way of helping them find out more of themselves and help them to see that they can change their low self-esteem into confidence.
Read the following questions and see if your child falls into one or more of these categories. Find the answers and apply them to your parenting skills. Remember, it is okay to ask questions to your children. Proper communication is the key to a successful family unit as well as when getting to know your child.
Child with Low Self-Esteem
My child is an adolescent who wants to wear tight clothes and make-up. Remember your role. You are the parent not the child. Ultimately, you make the decisions on clothes and make up. As an adolescent, your child should not be wearing make-up and tight or short clothing. It is inappropriate and makes her a target for sexual predators. Many people take for granted that it cannot happen to them, until it does. Do not put your child in that position. Again, effective communication is very important. Do not degrade your child for wanting this look. Instead, find out what is bringing about the change in her wanting a new look. Is she trying to imitate the way you look? Some children want to act, dress and speak like their parents. If this is the case, you must convey to her that she is still too young for make-up and this type of clothing. She can try these looks when she gets older, more responsible and able to defend herself a little better. Research a few incidents that had negative outcomes when girls chose to look and dress an older age. Let her see what can happen and then explain to her why you wouldn’t want to see that happen to her. When you are speaking with her, do not assume her answers for her. Let her respond to your questions and make sure that you are hearing the answers.
Do not be afraid to ask questions. Is it that she is uncomfortable with who she is and how she looks? This can cause a great deal of low self-esteem and confidence. If not taken seriously and addressed, other problems are likely to arise. Make sure your daughter knows that beauty always starts on the inside and works its way out. Explain to her what makes her beautiful and unique to everyone else. Explain to her the importance of accepting who she is and see if there are variables about her that can be changed. Then take the necessary steps to help her resolve those issues. For example, if she is unhappy with her weight, help her to eat healthier and exercise regularly even if it means you changing your diet and exercising also. If she is developing acne, then you should take her to a dermatologist. There may be little things that you can assist her with to help ease her anxiety about her image.
Or could it be peer pressure? Your daughter could be experiencing the negative effects of wanting to fit in with other girls in her school or neighborhood. This is very common amongst adolescents and teenagers. Make sure you know who your daughter’s friends are and what they are about. You should also want to know who their parents are and what they are about. Even if her friends are good kids, you should remind your daughter the importance of being true to herself, knowing herself and making decisions for herself. This is when she really starts to distinguish herself as a leader or a follower. This is when you need to step up your game and be the woman that you want your child to be proud of. Show her and speak to her about what it means to be a leader. Make sure that you dress in a manner that your child can look up to. Remember, if you are not giving her that attention or being that positive person in her life, she will seek it elsewhere and who she finds may not have her best interest at heart.
My child is having trouble making friends in school.
There could be more than a dozen reasons why your child is having difficulty making friends. Don’t always assume the worst. There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself and a lot of steps you can go through. You need to eliminate all possible variations, until you come up with the answer that best fits your child’s situation. Okay, so if your child is having trouble making friends, you should first ask yourself what type of child you have at home.
Is he/she outgoing and energetic or an introvert, quiet and subdued? If they are normally outgoing and they are having trouble, I would find out if they are being teased or picked on. This may cause them to withdraw. If the opposite is occurring where they are normally quiet at home but in school you are finding that they are loud and energetic, this usually means that they are seeking attention that they are not getting at home. However, this can cause a backfire affect because their peers may not like the overacting attention seeker. If that is not it, speak to their teachers. Find out what their day is like. If possible, spend a day there to observe your child’s interaction with the other students and vice-versa. Does your child know how to play with others? Many times if they grow up as an only child, they are not used to playing or sharing with others. This takes a while for them to adjust to but they normally do. Like everything else, it is a process and should be discussed frequently. Make sure you point this out to their teacher immediately, so that they can be aware and help when they can.
Above everything else, speak to your child. Get their perspective on why they are not making friends. What are these friends like? Does your child have similarities or things in common with their peers? It could be something as simple as them not being around the right crowd of peers. Like I mentioned before, there could be dozens of reasons why your child is not making friends. It is not until you have located the reason is when you can begin to address it and find possible solutions.
My child is being teased at school.
Being teased is hard for anyone to go through much less a child. Teasing breaks down their self esteem and self confidence. Children are teased about everything. If this happens to your child, you must notify the teacher right away, if they don’t already know. Arrange for a meeting with the other child’s parents, if possible, to discuss the situation and the best way to handle it going forward. Most importantly, speak to your child about two very important things.
First, teach him/her know that when a person teases, it is a reflection of who they are and what they are lacking in themselves. It has nothing to do with your child. The phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind. The person that is teasing is unhappy and looking for attention. The only way they can bring attention to themselves is by picking on someone else. They try to supplement their low self confidence with hurting others.
Secondly, you do not want this negative act to leave long lasting scars (emotionally) on your child. You must constantly reassure them and boost their self esteem. Saying it once will not do the trick. They have to hear it, feel it and believe it – from you. Then they will for themselves.
My child has trouble saying NO to others.
Your child may be developing low self-esteem and self confidence. Often when you find a child that has a hard time saying no; it is because they are trying to fit in. They want to be liked. Peer-pressure plays a very big role in this and unfortunately children can find themselves on the wrong side of the law because of it. Telling your child to be a leader and not a follower means nothing if you don’t sit and explain what that statement means.
The greatest leader has to follow someone. So what exactly are you telling your child or are you confusing them more than they already are. Give your child prime examples of celebrity leaders and leaders closer to home. Make sure they have people they can look up to. If not, they will find their own and it may not be what you had in mind. Get your child involved in leadership activities. It could be anything from a sport to politics. Whatever it is, make it something both positive and enjoyable for them. Indirectly they will receive leadership and critical thinking skills and be surrounded by positive leaders in the process. It may take a while but eventually they will follow suit. They will begin being leaders in their own right and saying no when applicable.
