It is imperative that parents understand that a child acting out is a cry out for HELP. Children are not born with the know-how of controlling their emotions. The ability to face conflict and deal with negativity is skills to be taught by the parents and guardians of the child. In knowing this, we as parents must also remember that if our child is acting out and is showing signs of negative behavior at home and publicly, it is our responsibility to correct these issues in our children. In doing so, it may require that you seek professional help if you feel that you are not getting through to your child or find that you simply do not know what to do in certain situations.

Here are a few questions that parents have asked and I find to be a large part of what some misunderstood children deal with in their lives. These simple solutions may be what it will take to get started on regaining control over your child and also working with your child on him or her finding reasons for their negative behaviors.

My child is abusive at home and away from home

If your child is exhibiting signs of abusive behavior, then you must change your approach.  Your child is obviously very angry and does not know how to cope with it.  The objective at this point is to determine the root of the anger.  More than likely it will not be as clear cut as what appears on the surface.  Try to speak to your child about this when both you and they are calm.  You are more likely to get an honest answer from them if they don’t feel as if they will be reprimanded by their responses.  Assure them that you are trying to help them and that you don’t want them to go through life feeling such hurt and holding such animosity.   Explain to them some of the consequences that will occur if they continue down this path.  Remember, YOU must stay calm and focused because your child will be watching your every move and listening for mood changes in your voice.  The first detection that you are upset they will either stop talking and/or become angry and defensive as well.  Be sure to actively listen to what your child is saying.  Do not get defensive or make the conversation about your needs and wants.  Remember the objective is to get to the root of their issues, keeping in mind that their issue might be you.  Be prepared for whatever you may hear.  And be prepared to come up with solutions that will be equally satisfying for both you and your child.

Note - If you cannot get your child’s behavior under control quickly, I advise you to seek professional help from either: Parent Coach, Counselor, Social Worker or Psychologist.

My child refuses to listen and follow the rules of the household

When parents begin to give their children rules many times they will disobey to see if they will get away with it.   You have to teach them the value of respecting your rules and authority from the time they can understand your words.  The minute you allow them to get away with not doing what you asked of them, you begin to lose your power and respect as an authority figure.  Children are very smart and at the earliest of ages they learn how to manipulate to get what they want.  Many parents think this behavior is cute or because they are little.  They believe it will change as they get older.  Well they are right!  It will change; it will get worse!  If you find yourself in that situation you have to take a step back and think about your past behaviors with your child.  The way you communicate with your child verbally, physically and emotionally will play heavily in turning this situation around.  Before your child can change his/her actions, you will need to change yours.  It may be your reward system.  It may be how much quality time you are spending (or not spending) with your child.  It may also be the words you tell your child.  Are your words too demeaning or too coddling?  All of these are factors that you need to exam.  More than likely, if you change your approach, your child will change theirs.  It is all a matter of respect from both parties.

My child won’t go to school and when he/she does, they will not do homework

School is something that should be mandatory.  From the time your child begins pre-school until the time they graduate from High School, your child needs to know that you are involved and that their attendance and active participation is not optional.  It is a must!  However, if they do not feel that there will be consequences to not going or if they do not see you involved then they will be less likely to take it seriously.   Parents seem to slack off once their child enters JHS and especially HS.  This is the time when your involvement is most crucial.  This is a critical time for JHS seniors and incoming HS freshmen and sophomores because if they lose interest here or start straying down the wrong path, it will be hard to get back on track later.  Speak to your child.  Make sure their reason for not wanting to go is not due to peer pressure or gangs.  They are going to be approached more and more about sex and sexuality and they need you to be there to help them through it all.  Stay in touch with their teachers and go to parent/teacher conferences.  You need to make surprise visits to the school.  Your child may not like it but they need to know that you are paying attention.  It’s not enough just to ask how was school and if they have homework.  You need to get into specifics because instantaneously their response is going to be “school was good”.  But what made it good?  What did you learn today?  Who are your friends?  What are their grades and backgrounds?  Learn to read your children and read between the lines.  Learn to listen and be understanding parents.  Do not be afraid to share your school experiences with them.  It always helps for them to see that you have been where they are and that you understand.  Give honest answers and suggestions.  If the work is not being done you must be prepared with viable consequences.

My child is the school bully

A bully is someone who badgers and takes advantage of someone else.  Understand that if your child is a bully it is because they are seeking empowerment.  They are just going about it the wrong way.  There are many factors that can cause this.  Perhaps he/she is feeling left out at home or under shadowed by another sibling.  Perhaps your child was once bullied himself.  Some children become bullies due to peer pressure and/or wanting to make a good impression.  They often feel that being a bully comes with a form of respect.  Usually bullies tend to join gangs and even become gang leaders.  Therefore you discover your child is a bully, you need to work very hard to correct this behavior.  You should take time to speak to your child but if you the issue persists, do not hesitate to invest in anger management classes or a parent coach.  You may need a neutral party to understand why your child feels the need to be a bully.  And, more importantly, you may need additional help getting them to change their way of thinking and channel the negative empowerment behaviors into something positive.

If you see your child in these situations, hopefully you will take these answers and implement them into your practices of parenting in the home. It is never too late to get started on regaining control of your child’s life. And helping your child get through whatever situations he or she is involved in. A misunderstood child is just a child that needs what every other child needs – love, understanding and to know that he or she is important. Simply asking questions and listening can be the key to turning around the life of your child.