As a biological parent and step-parent I find that many of the issues that I face on a day-to-day basis are very common. Most problems that parents face are due to a lack of awareness, misunderstanding and mis-communication between us and our children. It’s important to know that any and all issues with your step-child can be resolved as long as you stick to the basics – communication and awareness. Be sure that your step-child(ren) are aware that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep a healthy and happy home-life for them. And to do this, it will take you, the parent, to keep the communication flowing within the household.
Here are a few questions that I am often asked by parents and guardians dealing with raising a step-child or child from other parents.
As a step-mother, how do I discipline my child without being labeled the “mean step-mother”?
The likelihood of being labeled a mean step mother is very hard once you begin the disciplinary process. However, the same holds true for biological children. Children do not like to be disciplined. They will use whatever means necessary to get out of it. Step children have more of an advantage. They will use manipulation to try and get what they want. They will tell you and the biological parents in hopes that the discipline will stop. However, it shouldn’t. You have created a family that includes your spouse’s child (ren). They should be treated the same as your biological children. That means when it comes to love and attention, they should receive the same. When it comes to communication and respect, they should receive the same. And, when it comes to rules, regulations and disciplinary actions, they should receive the same.
As a step-parent, what role do I play in disciplining my step-child or do I leave that to the biological parent?
Disciplinary actions can be a very touchy subject depending on the parents involved. All of the parents (biological and step-parents) need to be in agreement and on the same page. People tend not to like or respect step-parents because of their own personal issues. To that end, there are some step parents that also have their own agenda and have not fully accepted their spouse’s child as their own. All of that aside and assuming that we are dealing with a group of mature adult parents; each parent should be allowed to discipline the child independently. The child should never get the feeling or be told that it is not ok for the step parent to hand down disciplinary actions. You must show a united front as parents. Once your child senses the least bit of separation that is where and when the manipulation will start. They will begin to try and put all the parents at odds to get their way. Remember who is in charge.
How should a step-parent approach the child for personal issues she or he may have?
Honesty is the best policy. You want your children to be honest with you so it is only fair that you be honest with them. Also, the best form of education is through firsthand experience. When they see you confronting them, it will make it easier for them to do the same to you, which will only enhance your communication and overall relationship.
If you have an issue with your child, sit down and explain to them what’s bothering you and how it is making you feel. Try not to make them feel bad in the process. That is not the objective. Your objective is to clear the air and come up with some common ground that you both can live with. My suggestion would be to try a sandwich approach. Talk about things that you like. Then, go into the things you would like to be done differently. Finally, conclude with an “I love you”, “I’m proud of you” or something that shows them that you are still in their corner.
What tips do you have for step-parents trying to achieve a better relationship with their step-child?
The biggest advice I could give you is to be genuine. Children are very perceptive and they will pick up on who you really are and/or who you are trying to be. Talk to them. Do not avoid the conversations not even the uncomfortable questions. If you do not know the answer, be honest with them and say that. Do not make stuff up or tell them what they want to hear. Do not compare them with their siblings or with your children. Understand that every person is their own individual. You do not want them to think that you favor one child over the other. Do not over-extend yourself or over compensate for not being their biological parent. Each parent will have their own role to play in this child’s upbringing and it will be revealed in its own time. Don’t rush or seem too anxious to develop the relationship. You must have patience. Remember, this is as new to the child as it is to you. Communication and time are the key components. You must take the time to get to know them. Listening and observations are going to be the tools you may need to strengthen. Many times there are a lot of hidden words in tones and body language, so pay close attention. And if you are getting the feeling like maybe you should back off a little, follow your instinct. You are probably correct. Give it some time and maybe try a different approach. However, don’t give up. The child will grow to love and respect your resilience.
